Empathy: The “On/Off” Switch for Relationships
[The title of this article pays homage to Pricilla Vail, a master teacher, who wrote, “Emotion: The On/Off Switch for Learning,” nearly 30 years ago and inspired me to take the journey that has brought me to this point in my life.]
When Harper Lee’s Atticus Finch said, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it,” he was talking about empathy. To empathize is to say to someone that I want to understand what they are experiencing, I want to be open to how they are feeling, and to walk beside them in that experience. It is a powerful way to connect with others. As teachers, mentors, and guides, empathy helps us work through many challenges while we work with learners.
Are empathy and sympathy the same?
Not really. Empathy is a nonjudgmental stance or mindset that opens us to the experiences of others, and helps to increase our understanding. When I am empathic I am saying, “I can see that this is hard for you. I would like to understand what is making this hard for you, and how this is affecting you.” An empathic stance embraces the agency of the other, their power to effect change in their lives. It leads me to ask, “How can I help?” When I am sympathetic, I may feel pity for the other. I may begin to see them as powerless or fragile. I may say, “Let me help you!” Or “Let me do this for you!” A sympathetic stance assumes knowledge and does not include the same openness as empathy. When I am sympathetic I am saying, “I know how you feel. I’ve been there.” Can we really, ever, truly know how someone else is feeling, I wonder?
An empathic stance may make us feel vulnerable as we open ourselves to the emotions of others. Before we ask to be let in, we may need to brace ourselves and practice emotion regulation strategies to prepare ourselves. A sympathetic stance may make us feel self-satisfied and strong as we set about helping someone we see as vulnerable.
How can I be an empathic educator?
Theresa Wiseman, a nurse educator identified four attributes of empathy:
1. See the world as others see it. You have a student who processes information slowly, struggles to keep up with class discussions, and often misses information. He appears spacey, sleepy, uninterested, and often complains of being tired. This student has a number of accommodations on his IEP, including pairing oral instructions with written ones, extended time, testing in a separate room, and access to a copy of class notes. All of these accommodations are critical to his success, but make so much work for you. Overall, this is not an appealing student. Can you climb in his skin and walk around, and experience school, or even just your class, through his eyes? What would that be like?
2. Understand another’s CURRENT feelings. You are witnessing a student who has completely lost it and is having a meltdown right now, in the middle of the cafeteria. It is disruptive, embarrassing, annoying (this is a student with a reputation as a ‘drama queen’), and you feel pretty out of your depth. Can you step into this student’s world at this minute and image the depth of emotion that the student is experiencing?
3. Put aside judgment. You know that student in your first period class has a passion for video gaming. He often stays up at night streaming his gaming on Twitch. You have had many conversations with his parents and feel very allied with their point of view that video games are a waste of time and are ruining his academic career. There he is today, head on the table, exhausted. He isn’t paying attention to the great lesson that you have planned for this morning. Can you be compassionate and curious towards him? Can you withhold judgment? Can you resist blaming him for his fatigue, and assuming that you know why he is feeling this way?
4. Trying to understand the student’s feelings. Putting yourself into other’s shoes is difficult. You may need to tap your imagination and your memories of having similar feelings. Sometimes, people say, “I know how you feel,” beware of that! The behavior we see if often the very tippy top of someone’s “iceberg”. It is all we see of their functioning. Their history, motivations, internal lives are all hidden. You are likely to have NO CLUE how this person feels. But you can ask yourself, “What more do I need to understand about this person and their struggle in this moment? What part of this is confusing to me? What do I need to learn so I can be helpful in this moment?”
5. Communicate that you understand. Resist the desire to jump to a solution. Stay open, communicate. Reflect back what the student says to you, or describe what you see factually. In each of the scenarios discussed above respectively you might say: “I can imagine how hard it must be to always feel rushed, like you can’t catch up to things.” “This is a really hard. I see that you are incredibly upset.” “I can see that you are super tired this morning. I’m so sorry you are exhausted.”
You may also want to take a look at:
Wiseman, T. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of advanced nursing, 23(6), 1162-1167.
©Wise Mind Learning
©Kalyani Krishnan, Ph.D.