Where Does Empathy Come From?
Some people are born with an empathic temperament, others can learn how to be empathic, and yet others struggle because they need to learn empathy, explicitly and effortfully (paying homage, clumsily, to the Bard). Research suggests that the roots of empathy lie in self-understanding. The better we understand ourselves, our motivations, our internal lives, the dark and light in our emotions, the more we can recognize these things in others. Perhaps, it is sufficient that we become more aware of the fact that we DO feel, that our lives in the ‘outside’ world evoke responses in our ‘inner’ world, and vice versa. Perhaps, it is sufficient to practice curiosity about that which is not immediately obvious to us, even in ourselves. I open myself up to a deeper self-understanding and sensitivity to nuances within myself when I ask myself, “why was I so tired today when my marathon day last week did not fatigue me?” or, when I wonder, “why was this piece of chocolate so satisfying today when my expensive dessert last night left me feeling discontented?”
My personal experience with this process suggests that “open” is the operative word. Curiosity is like that first tug on the knot that starts the process of loosening it. Once the door is open, through that initial inquiry, it allows acceptance and understanding to walk into the room, sometimes hand in hand, further unraveling the constraints on relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. For example, my curiosity about what causes me to feel fatigued may lead to insight about cognitive load versus emotional load. Maybe, I realize that am more stressed and depleted by emotional load. So, even on a day when I haven’t had many commitments, worry about a friend who found a lump in her breast may have left me exhausted by the end of the day. In contrast, I may have come home the week before from a day where I saw seven clients in a row, feeling energized by the many conversations and the good work we have done. This insight may lead to feelings of tenderness and kindness towards my emotional self, and recognition of the affection I feel for my friend. As I begin to understand why I have been so burdened, I may also begin to accept that it has been a difficult day, and I may be able to overcome any frustration I feel at my need to go to bed early with the dishes still in the sink. This gesture of kindness and empathy towards myself, research suggests, may increase the likelihood that I will be more open to and accepting of the lived experience of others.
How can I train myself to be more empathic, you may ask? Here are some suggestions to get started:
1. Pause during your day to take your emotional “temperature”. Become familiar with your internal states. You can use a 0-100 scale to rate your level of emotional arousal if you like. Psychologists call this a SUDS scale, or Subjective Units of Distress Scale. You can interpret it either as 0 = maximum distress or 0 = minimum distress, whatever makes the most sense to you. Just remember to be consistent from one day to the next.
2. Notice the variations in your “emotional temperature” during the course of a day. Wow! Did you know there were so many different colors and textures in your inner world? Can you name the different emotions you feel? Name as many as you can! How many emotions do you notice at one time? See if you can count them!
3. Learn to be curious about why your arousal states change. What leads to differences in your feelings? Are there particular times of day/interactions/people/thoughts/activities that seem to be associated with changes in your mood? Jot down some notes if you can so you start to write a ‘user’s manual’ for your own mind.
4. Practice accepting whatever comes up. A daily mindfulness practice can be very helpful with this. Here is an exercise that may help. You can spend any where from 5 to 15 minutes on this.
Sit comfortably where you will not be disturbed, your spine relaxed and upright. Close your eyes and take a few moments to settle into your breath. Observe, notice any thing that arises in your mind - this could be thoughts or memories, distractions or daydreams. Observe the content of your mind without judgement, there is no good or bad thought. There is nothing you need to do with these thoughts except to observe them; watch them rise and recede. If emotions or physical sensations arise, acknowledge them (you may say, “I notice an itch on my nose”), let them be, and bring your attention gently back to witnessing the activity of your mind. Think of this like watching the clouds pass by as you lie under the sky. As the big blue of the sky is always there behind the clouds; notice how the part of you that is able just to watch your thoughts is always there behind the mental impressions.
Here are some of the resources I used for reference for writing this reflection.
Bråten, S. (2007). On being moved: From mirror neurons to empathy (Vol. 68): John Benjamins Publishing.
Böckler, A., Herrmann, L., Trautwein, F. et al. Know Thy Selves: Learning to Understand Oneself Increases the Ability to Understand Others. Journal of Cognitive Enhancement 1, 197–209 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1007/s41465-017-0023-6
Gallese, V. (2005). Being like me”: Self-other identity, mirror neurons and empathy. Perspectives on imitation: From cognitive neuroscience to social science, 1, 101-118.
©Wise Mind Learning
©Kalyani Krishnan, Ph.D.